Conflict is inevitable in our lives. The moment we get out of bed and start our day, we are in a position to experience conflict…with others and with ourselves.
There are many approaches to handling it. However it gets handled is ok. The most important thing is that it’s dealt with, correctly. That really does make everything better.
Here are 9 considerations or guidelines as you determine your approach and move through conflict resolution:
1) Make a decision to create an atmosphere of openness for helpful feedback within a relationship. It’s good to agree to hold some space open for feedback and for both/all people involved to know that everyone is committed to sharing when necessary. Create the space and don’t be afraid that at some point you may have give AND receive feedback.
2) Confirm the facts of the situation first. Never communicate from (unverified) conclusions drawn and never confront on rumor. If you do, you’re not actually dealing with the reality of the situation. Get the facts first. Get understanding of what happened so you’re dealing with reality and can move forward.
3) Handle things immediately (or as quickly as possible). There may be a scenario that requires you to wait until you have time to talk privately, but as soon as you can, handle it. Why? You don’t want resentment to build up about it. And it does! Dealing with the situation immediately prevents unnecessary resentment and additional conflict from happening. Waiting creates more stuff to deal with usually…no one really wants that.
4) State precisely what was done wrong. Be specific and stay current. No need to travel down Memory Lane, here. And you won’t need to if you did #3. When we are specific about the offense or behavior in question, we can deal with THAT offense and really resolve it. If “other stuff” comes up that wasn’t handled previously, deal with those issues separately.
5) State what you think and how you feel about what was done wrong. “This is out of character for you, so I am surprised because I didn’t expect it.” “I thought your words were disrespectful and hurtful and I felt rejected.” “You lied to me about that and I felt hurt and betrayed.” It’s good to identify what you were thinking and the subsequent feelings that came from your thoughts.
6) Remind each other you’re on the same team, not against each other. This creates calm, intentional discussion, without the unnecessary defensiveness that can so easily come from conflict in a relationship. It’s self-defeating, so partner up together to tackle that which threatens to come between you.
7) Affirm the person you’re confronting. Remind them they are competent and valuable to you. If someone thinks they can’t please you, they will stop trying. Reminding them they are important to you can minimize the sting your words may have.
8) Remind them it’s the behavior you are confronting but not who they are as a person. This avoids using words that shaming; that is not appropriate or helpful. You’re addressing action, performance, behavior, not the identity of the one you care about.
9) When it’s over…it’s over! Don’t bring it up again. The minute you do, you didn’t resolve it and your thoughts and feelings about it are alive and well. That’s not productive and will just create additional conflict. That’s not the goal. The goal is handling it. When you do, move on and commit to never bringing it up again.
Keeping these guidelines as you work through your conflict will help! Remember, conflict is inevitable, so why not develop some “rules” for it that will produce intentional, helpful communication and ultimately bring more joy to your relationships!
Try it. And let me know how it goes!
