Anger is a very real and common emotion we feel.

It needs to be dealt with and overcome, for sure, because as we give it space in our lives, it can cause great trouble for ourselves and others.

So how do you manage anger? One place to start is to identify what you feel before the anger.

Did you know anger isn’t your primary emotion? Anger is actually a secondary emotion and often one we go to in an attempt to cover up a more vulnerable feeling.

Here are 4 common sources of anger:

Hurt

Frustration

Fear

Injustice

It’s ok to feel hurt. It’s ok to feel frustrated. It’s ok to feel fear. It’s ok to feel a sense of injustice. Those are all part of the human experience. To deny them is to deny a sense of who you are and what’s a normal experience for all of us. Sometimes we don’t want to be vulnerable and admit we feel those things. Sometimes we believe they are weaknesses. They are not! They are just feelings that come from thoughts we’re having about a certain set of circumstances.

One secret to controlling anger is to identify the feeling we had FIRST. When we do that, we’re dealing with what we actually felt. If we can do that, we won’t give way to anger…which is going to create a lot of other issues.

Think about this scenario:

You’re on your way to work. A car pulls out in front of you and you have to hit the brakes. Then comes the rage…and perhaps a word, a name, or gesture to communicate your great displeasure!

Now you’re angry and it stays with you all morning, perhaps all day, and the ripple effect on others continues on…just because that driver pulled out in front of you.

What if you identified and dealt with what you felt first?

What if the reason you got angry was because of fear? Afraid that you’ll be late for work and your boss will be angry. Could you deal with that fear? I think fear can be dealt with.

What if the reason you got angry was because of a sense of injustice? It’s that feeling that comes from the thought, “That’s not fair!” You think, “That guy didn’t even stop at the stop sign.” “What, his schedule is more important than mine?! That’s not right!”

Sure. It isn’t. Sometimes things happen we don’t think are fair. Can you deal with that reality? I think our sense of injustice can be dealt with.

What if fear and injustice in the moment were managed? Can you see how it would reduce the level of anger you’re tempted to feel and express?

We can 1) be vulnerable and we can 2) deal with what we are feeling.

Try it.

The next time you get angry, ask yourself, “What did I feel first?”